The Replacements

• He was somebody who stepped into my life and helped me believe I was here on purpose and for a purpose. I don't think there are many things more important than this when we are kids. 

• The truth I've learned about life is you can't do it on your own. People don't do well independently. One generation passes wisdom to the next. And you won't be as good a person if you don't receive it. 

• People assume when you're swimming in a river you are supposed to know which way you are going, and I guess some of the time that is true, but there are certain currents that are very strong, and it's when we are in those currents we need somebody to come along, pull us out, and guide us in a safer direction. 

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Our Problem

• I wondered if people who grow up with great fathers don't walk around with a subconscious sense they are wanted on this planet, that they belong, and the world needs them.

 

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Belonging

• I learned that if I didn't exist, the family would be better off. I grew up believing that if I had never been born, things would be easier for the people I loved. A thought like this can cripple a kid. If a kid grows up feeling he is burdening the people around him, he is going to operate as though the world doesn't want him. 

• The ramifications of believing something as untrue as this are extensive. Because I believed I was a burden, I would pull out of conversations when they got too personal. And despite the strongest of invitations to connect, I feel, intrinsically, that the other person will eventually be burdened by his or her relationship with me. I find myself doing a great job at small talk, trying to be charming and all, but when it comes time for a person to actually know me, I run for the hills. Any ability I have to be charming also comes from this desire not to be a burden. If I'm light and easy to be around, my community won't want to throw me out. 

• Still a logical argument isn't able to change the heart. My mind knew there was nothing wrong with me - but this knowledge didn't make me feel more secure. For many years, all I could do in the healing process was recognize I felt inferior and tell myself this feeling was a lie. For a long time, I couldn't go any further than this. 

• I don't actually like thinking about this stuff, but I have a sense wounds don't heal until you feel them. What I mean is, I could lash out against the world for the rest of my life and never stop to do the hard work of asking why I'm angry or why I feel pain, then come to the difficult truth that the pain is there because I wanted to be loved, and I wasn't. I wanted to be important to my father, but I wasn't. I wanted to be guided, but I wasn't. And then, honestly, to feel whatever it is that had truth creates - to respond in the way I need to respond. 

• Beauty doesn't make any sense apart from God giving a gift to his children. Is there a Darwinian explanation for beauty? It's sa love letter, that's all. It's this massive letter to creation, inviting us to enjoy him. I'm always telling my kids that sunsets are God's final brushstrokes on the beauty of the day. 

• I feel his pleasure, and it gives me pleasure. So, God is like that. A father is a fitting metaphor for God. 

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Spirituality

• One of the most tender and beautiful scenes that would occasionally unfold in the MacMurray house was the calm, quiet peace that would come over one of the children when they were done trying to get their way. Chris would come out and walk over to John while he was sitting on the couch and climb into his arms, burying his head in John's neck. Sometimes it was as if the kids were saying sorry, not yet old enough to know how to express themselves with words. But at other times, and perhaps more tender times, the kids were still frustrated, still confused about why they couldn't get what they wanted or why they seemed to always be getting into trouble; and the embrace, the coming to John and burying themselves in his arms, was more about feeling his love in the confusion, in the difficulty, than it was about having moved past it. It was as if they were asking if he still loved them, if the discipline meant there was anything lost in their much-needed relationship with their father.